Playboy Magazine and My Feminine Desires

naked Playboy playmate jumps into pool

This image left on long time impression on me and speaks volumes of my desire to be a woman

Playboy magazine had an enormouse impact on me as a young teen boy and as a young teen transgender girl. The impact it had for the boy in me was not unexpected as I did have male hormones and was going through puberty.   However Playboy played a key role in shaping how I saw women and the lives they led.  Playboy intensified my desire to know life as a woman.

Throughout most of my childhood our family lived in a small town 33 miles south of Spokane.  We had moved there from Spokane in the summer of 1959, a few weeks before I was due to begin first grade.  Dad’s parents, my paternal grandparents, lived in Spokane.  We often would spend our weekends during the school years and the summer staying at their home.  This meant that not uncommonly Dad would load us all into the family car late Friday evening and drive us into Spokane.

As we are all creatures of habit, he would almost always drive the same route through Spokane to my grandmother’s house in north Spokane.  Occasionally however — maybe once a month — he would choose to turn right at one intersection when left would have taken us to her house.  He would then park the car in front of a drug store, go into the drug store alone and return with a single package that he would slide under the front seat of the car.

I would come to learn that these departures from our normal travel route were to buy Playboy magazines.  Did any business in Rosalia sell Playboys?  I doubt that any did.  However, Dad was a teacher at the local high school.  In the sixties it would have been scandalous for the high school English teacher to be caught buying Playboys.  So he bought them at maybe one of the few stores in Spokane that sold them.

Playboys Found

I ultimately discovered his hidden stack of Playboy magazine.  As I was into my puberty years at the time and a male struggling with emergent male hormones, the stack of magazines were a temptation I could not resist.  I would often grabbed an issue or several issues and take them to my room.  There I would indulge myself as any young teen boy might.

One day I happened to mention to one of my school friends that I had access to Playboy magazines.  He followed me back to our home after school and I went inside to retrieve two or three issues.  We sat out under a tree and check out all the pictures of the naked and near naked women in the magazine.  I came away from that experience with the distinct impression that we had different tastes when it came to the pictures.  In other words, when we both looked at the same picture, it was like we were seeing two different pictures.

I cannot recall if the image I share with this post was one we both saw that day.  If it had been, he would have most certainly see a naked woman with a prefect  body jumping into a pool as her girlfriends watched.   I will not deny that like him I saw a very sexy woman with a great body.  However,  it would be more accurate to say that what I really saw was just how much fun it could to be a sexy woman with a perfect body jumping into a pool as her girlfriends watched.

A Playboy Photo I Could Not Forget

playboy bunny manual

Maybe the life of a Playboy buny was not all fun and games. Check out this copy of The Playboy Bunny Manual from the early 1960’s.

One day about fifty years after I first saw this photo, I sat down at my computer and spent about thirty mintues perusing Google images.  I knew that if I was persistent I had to be able to find it.  I revised my search parameters several times as I recognized that I need to fine-tune those parameters to find this one specific image.   Why did I work so hard to find this image?  Why did I stay focused on this task until the image was found?  It would be an overstatement to suggest that this one image sealed my fate.  That said, more than any other image I ever saw as I ravished those issues of Playboy magazine, this one tugged at my desire to be female, to live the feminine life.   Her body became the body I wanted for myself.  Her life became the life I wanted for myself.

By the time I discovered by Dad’s cache of Playboy magazines, I had already been crossdressing for three or four years.  I loved checking out each issue and was always excited when Dad made one of his detours which meant there would be a new issue in the stack.  At the same time, if I was looking for visual stimulus for my masturbatory pleasures, I was just as likely to grab up a Sears or JCPenney catalog.  Their pages were full of pretty girls wearing pretty dresses that were equally stimulating to me.

The Playboy Impact

I have shared these thoughts because it is not unlikely that my childhood as a boy entering puberty was not all that different than those of others boys.  However, I had known since I first began to consider the idea of dressing up in my sister’s clothes that I a was not like other boys, that I was in fact somewhat defective as a boy.   Part of me would sneak up to my room with a copy of Playboy to be a ‘normal’ boy.  Another part of me, a truer part of me, would sneak up to my room with that issue of Playboy as a means to fantasize about how great it would be to be one of the women in that issue.

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