Am I transgender? Am I a transgender woman? If I am being as truthful as possible, I would have to say I simply don’t know. One reaatson for my uncertainty is that I am not sure that ‘transgender’ is a thing. The concept itself only makes sense if we are talking about a binary gender model and I do not believe in the gender binary. A part of me suspects that transgender is a term that simply applies to behaviors, traits, and attitudes that most people do not understand but serve to label the totality of attributes. While I do not know whether or not I am transgender, I also know that so much of my life cannot be understood through any other framework. If I am not transgender, who am I? Why did I make so many wrong choices in my life? Why are my happiness moments those of a transgender woman and not those of a cisgender male. visi
If you visit YouTube and do a search using the search term transgender, many of the videos you find will be informational and educational — or try to be. You will also find videos for hundreds of transgender individual who are sharing their stories, their lives, by means of vlogs and other videos of themselves. For the most part, these transgender individuals are younger people who are looking forward to a life consistent with their gender identity. I envy their youth. However, mostly I envy their potential. A transgender individual in today’s world who is willing to be courageous and true to themselves can have a life of almost unlimited possiblity. While admittedly there are places in this country where being transgender would still be qutite a struggle. There are, however, many states and cities that strive in a inperfect world to provide transgender individuals with all the priveleges, rights and benefits every member of a free society deserves.
While I am only sixty four at the time of this writing and hope to live several more years, live as a transgender woman for several more years, for the most part, my transgender life is behind me. It would also be fair to say that over most of my life I have struggled with my identity, strived on occasion to deny my identity. I did not share that I am transgender until around the age of fifty and even then I spent several years resigned to the reality I saw that I would never live as a woman. For me my life as a transgender woman is more about reflecting on the past rather than planning for the future.
My transgender life has largely been a life of mistakes. As I reflect on my life and the mistakes I made, I do not want this blog to be about my regrets. I want it to be a guide for those who struggle with the same challenges that I faced. I am hopeful that on this pages I have offer insights into the mistakes I made and in the process offer insight into what should have been done. I did not say ‘answers.’ I do not have many answers so instead I used the word insight.
If I had more answers, then maybe I would not continue to face many of the challenges that I have faced over the last fifty plus years. Hopefully as I explore my past through this blog I will get some clarity on my future.
I opened up this post by posing the question ‘Am I transgender?” However on a much deeper level, the question I really want to answer is ‘Who Am I?” Hopefully why exploring this question, I will arrive at some answers and those answers will make my continued journey less challenging and less frightenting. And maybe it the process it will help help others to answer their own ‘Who Am I?” question.