I Choice To Cope With My Challenges On My Own
There was a period of several weeks, maybe even several months, when I desperately wanted to try on some of Cheri’s dresses and when I did so. I was nine or ten years old at the time and I was confused as to why I had such a strong desire to dress up in girl’s clothes. I could have gone to Mom and Dad and asked for answers. There were two reasons I did not. One I was fairly certain they would have no real answers or explanations. Secondly, telling them what I wanted to do was a sure way to make sure I would never do so. Until a few years ago, I can not recall asking a single person for help when it came to my gender issues.
I Decides Lies, Secrets and Walls Were A Good Thing
The seed on my desire to dress up as a girl was planted one day when I heard the story of someone I knew who had done so — and been scolded when caught. My first experience of dressing up was everytihing I had hoped and feared it would be. However as I left my sister’s bedroom I made two promises to myself — I would never do it again and no one could ever find out. While it would be several weeks before I would return to her room, deep down I always knew I would break the first promise which made the second promises that much more imperative. While I would say the wall I built and the lies I told and the secrets I kept were most apparent during the years I lived at home and while I was married, throughout most of my life I kept my walls up and continued to tell lies to protect my secrets.
I Fought Accepting Who I Am And Turned To Denial
I Chose To Accept Myself As Different
One reason I waited so long between when the desire to dress up and the actual act of dressing up is that I lacked the courage. I knew I would enjoy the experience. I knew it would change my life. I knew it would forever define me as different. Each and every time I gave into temptation and dressed up I did so with guilt and a certainty that I had to be the only boy in the world who felt what I felt. As I grew older, feeling defective as a boy and different impacted my social relationships with girls in my class and women I came to know. There was always a subconconsious feeling that I was not worthy of their attention as I was not really a guy.
I Was Not Honest With My Fiance Before Our Wedding
While my life before marriage was full of lies and secrets and had profound impact of my relationships with family and friends, I truly did Ann am incredible injustice by not being honest with her before we married. As a Catholic, Ann strongly disapproved of divorce. Maybe on some level I knew I would not be a worthy husband, but the day we stood at the altar together, she was making a life commitment to someone she did not truly know and it caused her a great deal of sorrow and grief when we divorced.
I Gave Up On My Career Goals
After I had finished my junior year of college and was preparing to begin my senior year, I found myself feeling compelled to choose between my career goal of teaching and my suppressed but none the less powerful desire to one day live my life as a woman. This was still about twenty years before the internet and I knew next to nothing about the process of changing my sex. However I was quite certain that once I did change sex — at the time it was not seen as gender reassigment or transitioning at least to my knowledge — I would never be able to teach. Should I pursue a teaching certificate if I ‘knew’ one day it would be a worthless document. I tried to move in the direction of a Master Degree with the idea of teaching at the college level which seem more realistic, but in truth I had given up on my dream.
I Gave Up On Ever Having A Family
I also gave up on having a family. Shortly after Ann gave birth to Sara, I traveled to Phoenix to see the newborn. On my way home, I developed the strong feeling that my life was going no where and I held dressing up responsible. I had somewhat hope Sara might be my child and been told she was not. I simply did not see any likelihood in my future based on what I knew of the last fifteen years of my life that I would ever again marry much less ever be a father. I gave up on the idea of having a family.
I Turned To Alcohol and Relocation As A Solution To My Problems
As I was not turning to other for help and I was living in denial about who I was and what I wanted out of life, I turned to alcohol and frequent relocation to cope with a life that felt so hopeless to me. Alcohol took me to bars where I could pretend to be ‘one of the guys’ I would move whenever I felt I needed a real change in my life, seldom knowing for sure if I was moving towards a new life or running away from a life I found so unsatisfying.
I Chose To Live A Double Life and Continue to do so for about fifteen years.
I was thirty eight years old when I finally came to accept myself as transgender. That would have been a good thing if I had not also decided that I was not ready for the rest of the world to know. So for the better part of fifteen years I lived a double life. I would work a regular job as a regular guy for forty hours a week. And then two or three times a week I would go out as Veronica, mostly to clubs at night.
I Did Not Follow Table Saw Safety Rules
I am adding this one partially out of jest. Without a doubt one of the dumbest things I ever did in my life was to reach for that chunk of wood before the blade of the saw had stopped spinning. Maybe more so than any other mistake I have made I hope no one ever repeats my mistake. As far as how it affects my current life. Well the fingers on my right hand are still stiff and I was unable to learn how to put on pierced earrings with just one good hand.
One reason I never turned to others for help and one reason I found safety behind walls and lies is that I never truly accepted myself for who I was. Even in my childhood, I often promised myself ‘never again.’ Sometimes I even took the stop of purging my wardrobe so I had nothing of mine to wear. I was sure when I got older, became a real man, an adult, maybe an husband and a father, I would be cured. I turned to alcohol and re-location to find different answers. I was thirty eight years old when I made my first excusrsion out in public en femnme. Denial was a big reason I had not done it sooner.