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The Sins Of My Transgender Life

I am not a lone actor on the stage of my life story.  My life was not lived in a bubble.  Virtually every decision I have made in my life over the last fifty plus years has been made as a member of a family, as one among friends, as a coworker and maybe even as a servant of God.  However because I have spent almost all of entire life hiding who I am from those I love, even protecting who I am from those I love, I have committed terrible sins against every member of my family  — hopefully foregiveable sins, but sins none the less.  My life has been a life of lies and deceit and secrecy.

I have three brothers and a sister.  Both of our parents have passed away.   To a certain extent the purpose of this blog is to make my sins known.  I cannot even imagine how many times my family members have asked me, “Why aren’t you teaching?”  That is all I wanted to when I was growing up.  They also have asked several other questions.  Why do I move so much?   Why don’t I settle down?   Why can’t I keep a job? Why haven’t I married?  Why did I wake so long to get a DNA test for Sara?  Why did I drink so much?  Why after a childhood full of nothing but promise for me, I became so aimless in my life?  I suspect that most of them saw the answers in my drinking.  But that was only half the story and maybe more of an effect than a cause.   While the primary reason I am building this blog is to come to terms wth who I am, it also serves as an explanation to my family and others as to why so often I made decisions that made no sense at all and accepted a life that most would see as directionless.

I have told so many lies in my life that I am not sure in many cases what is true and what is simply the lie I remember as truth because I heard myself tell it so often.  On these pages I am strving to tell the truth about my life.  However admittedly it is the truth as I remember it.  Sometime that truth may cause other distress.  However this may be my last chance to finally escape the lies and secrecy of my life and get the truth out there as I know it to be.  I will never suggest that telling the truth is always painless and never inflicts pain on others.  However, the truth is a better path towards love and understand than are lies.

I know there will be revelations in what I share on these pages that will cause other grief and maybe even embarassment.  That is never my intent and no one should ever be judged on the strength of the memories I have of my life.  However at the same time, this is my life.  I ask for nothing more of others who are part of my story than that they understand and accept that the story I am telling it not easy for me.   Time and time again, I would lie to my parents and by extension my siblings and my teachers and classmates that I was not well and needed to stay home from school.  Time and time again, my family would head out the door and I would stay behind, opting out of a family outing because I wanted to stay home and ‘read’ or ‘study,’ when I always wanted simply to be alone at home to dress up.  Why did you and Ann get a divorce?  Because of all the lies I told her that built up high walls a marriage could not survive.  I am not proud of these lies.  But they are part of my story.  Not everything I share on these pages will be truth  — only the truth as I know it to be.    However, I am committed to provided at long last a truthful accounting of my life.

I know  — KNOW  — beyond a shadow of doubt in my mind that if I had never had the idea to crossdress, however that idea may have come to my mind, that I would have a stronger relationships with my brothers and my sisters today.  I know I would have more memories of us as a family and less of me as a lonely and unhappy child struggling with urges that he did not understand but could only surmise had to be immoral and sinful.  All I can do for them now is tell my story and tell it as best I know how so that all the grief and sorrow I have caused in their lives will have a context that will hopefully open the door to understanding.

I consider it a rare blessing that I still have all of my siblings.  Next year when Keith turns 60 (I think I got that right), all of us will be 60 years or older.    In other words we are all at an age where we must accept at any time four of us may get a phone call we  all dread.  And it may not be four of ‘us’ and rather be four of them who get the call.  I am sixty  four years old now and still struggling with how to have a life as Veronica.  While that is my top priority, I also would love to find a path to my family, a path of honesty and not lies, a path of love and not regret, a path of family and not loneliness.

I love my family and hate that we are not closer  as a family.  Maybe this blog will drive us apart more.   Maybe this blog is just another example of a bad choice I have made.  I hope not.  It is the story I have wanted them all to know for years and sharing it now is my penance.

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