The Life I Want To Have

As a 64 year old male of 64 years of age, my life expectancy according to one acturial table I found is just over eighteen years.  The most likely cause of death would be cancer.  For the most part I consider these encouraging number.  At the age of 64, I am healthy and with regular checkups I feel I can stay on top of maintaining a healthy life.  Eightteen years ago, I was living in Minneapolis and still drinkng.  I moved to Dallas twice and back to  Washington twice.  I was homeless for two years and held half a dozen jobs.  The point I am attempting to make is that I can fit a lot of life into the next eighteen years.  However while there is reason to plan for eigthteen years, it is more likely that it could occur sooner or it could extend well beyond eighteen years.  One never knows.

There is however a sense of urgency to my vision of the future I want that is not entirely based around time.  I have lived sixty-four years of my life in the role of first a boy and then a man.  Regardless of how much time I have left, I want to  experience it fully and this means experiencing it fully as a woman.

In my senior year of high school, I came across a story regarding Christne Jorgensen.   For the first time in my life, I saw a future for myself of life as a woman.  That is not to say I was ready to embrace that choice.  I would within a few years be married and I got married hoping it could be a solution for my desires.  Being married did nothing to assuage my desires.  If anything it threw a spotlight on just how unhappy I was as a man.  I had always intended to teach history as a profession.  Before Ann and I divorced, I had already come to accept that I would never teaching.  Teaching as a profession would have meant giving my on my desire to live life as a woman.  To a greater extent than anyone in my family will ever fully understand, all the jobs I started, all the jobs I left, all the moves I made always were choices I made based around my inner turmoil and my desire to find someway to be myself.

Without question, if I had found myself living the life of a young woman at the age of twenty, or even forty, it would have been a much different life for me.  I cannot say it would have been a better life.  It would simply have been a different life.  If I am to be brutally honest with myself, I would say that I am still living the life of a man.  I have been given a second chance in life and I feel as though I am squantering it away.  I need to find the strenght and the courage to discard the norms of a life that I have comfortably lived for over sixty years and embrace a life that is both scary and exhilirating.

I have moved to new cities and often new states about twenty times in my life.  More often than not I was running away from the problems of where I currently lived or the unhappiness I felt.  On occasion, I moved to find a new life for myself believing that living in a different city would finally make a difference in my life.  Sometimes I moved simply because it was the only option I had at the time.  I do not see a life for me in Hoquiam.  I can see a life for me in Spokane.  However  if I were to move to Spokane would I be doing so to escape Hoquiam or on the promise of a better life in Spokane.  I already know from past experiences that either one would be repeating a mistake I have already made on previous occasion with equally poorly considered moves.

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to move to Spokane and make it my home for the rest of my God-given years.  But I also know that to simply pack my bags and move to Spokane to finally find the life of my dreams would be a mistake.  Which leaves me with only one possible solution.  Before I move to Spokane, I must find my life as a woman here in Hoquiam.  To speak of myself in the third person, I can not move to Spokane to find Veronica.  I need to find her here in Hoquiam.   It will not be Glen who moving is deciding to move to find Veronica.  It will be Veronica moving to Spokane to finally fully live the life of her chosing.

Towards my goal of moving to Spokane, I am going to begin a period of roughly sixty days where I intend to push myself to  finally discard the trappings of life as a man and make the decision that must be made for me to fully know life as a wman.  Most importantly this means a combination of escaping my comfort zone and doing that which is uncomfortable while at the same time expanding the boundaries of my comfort zone so that what was once uncomfortable for me would become natural.

I still have not yet finished the story of my life that I have been sharing.  However for the next several weeks, the focus of time will be spent on shaping my future and not re-hashing my past.

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